Palpitations

Not this state of mind,
Nor this state of grace
That I've imagined for my place
in time can ever understand
or exist past the imaginary
controls that sit at the front of my brain
like a pilot who has lost control of his ship.
Her ship
Their ship
A vessel and no further
A lesson to the accident that brought me here

Us here.

I can never say anything without hope.
Our relationship now relies on the hope
That one day I'll be able to catch up with you
In this one way conversation.

My biggest fear is that that is not true.
My biggest fear is that that is true and that I am not.

If I make it to the clouds and find you waiting
Will I be as elated as I imagine myself to be now?

I'm afraid I'll see it as I was worried for nothing.

Like how I get someone else to drive me to events
because I'm too afraid to park
but when we get there, I realize
that I could've just driven here myself